DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
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pls suprot
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?