Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
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*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.