Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
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Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.