Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word