DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
*cough*
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.