DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
very niche meme I made
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?