I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
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cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.