Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
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getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.