[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
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Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
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Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
when you don’t want to be too vague
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
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Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?