Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
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idk flipping houses looks really hard
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Same post same
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.