Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
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You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Good morning
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Nose
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.