[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.