[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
You Might Also Like
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Woke up against my better judgement again
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light