Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
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Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I’m having an out of money experience.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”