My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS