Ah to hear the music of the angles!
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Netflix and awkward silence?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.