doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
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Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.