Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
All is fair in drunk and war.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.