Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
You Might Also Like
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
This made me chuckle.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”