DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
You Might Also Like
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
what it’s like dating me:
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke