DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
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The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
When your man makes a valid point
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.