DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I support this random dude and all his protests
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.