DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
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I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone