@NYC_Blonde: I enjoy April Fool's Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with "no wonder you've been looking chubby".
@leshnevsky: Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn't need a food anymore.
@matsmoustache: You walk into my bedroom...
I'm laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest.
You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.
@funnybeachgirl: With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
@maisondecris: HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me :)
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