@NYC_Blonde: I enjoy April Fool's Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with "no wonder you've been looking chubby".

@leshnevsky: Adroit python swallowed male and female rabbits and doesn't need a food anymore.

@matsmoustache: You walk into my bedroom... I'm laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest. You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.

@funnybeachgirl: With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

@maisondecris: HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone? ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend HIM: what? ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low HIM: what did you say? ME: that ur secret’s safe with me :)