Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
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I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]