Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
You Might Also Like
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.