Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs