Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
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7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Tastes like chicken.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin