DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
The Joker was right
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car