me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
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[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.