doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
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Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Overindulged this afternoon.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.