Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
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*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.