Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
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Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
The three genders.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
S O O N
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly