Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
felt that
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!