doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
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[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life