Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
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Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Meanwhile in Portland…
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me