Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
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I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Heroic Misunderstanding
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
3% human
97% stress
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Found the job I’m suited for
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.