Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
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*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Worlds greatest photobomb
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.