DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone