doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
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Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.