doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
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At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Get in loser we’re going crying
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before