DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I’m giving up for Lent.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams