“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
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The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
#SaturdayBears
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.