Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
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told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?