Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.