DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
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How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”