DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
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A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*