Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
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Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
constantly working on myself.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”