Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
me hooking up with my ex
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins