Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
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Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”